That's What You Call Friendship?

In the last few months, I've had some weird issues with "friends" and I've come to the conclusion that often friendships end because the two parties involved define friendship in different ways and those two different ways don't mesh. In other words, one believes in the give and take of friendship, and the other just wants to take.

Take, for instance, a "friendship" that peaked in the fall and winter of this past year. There was a woman who Chad had worked with at a past job. They'd become friends and she'd come to the occasional party over the past 4 years. Then during the summer she became more connected to us through work connections.

She and I really hit it off. She was closer to Chad's age than mine (no big surprise, because with the exception of a few recent additions to our friendship circle, our friends are typically closer to Chad's age) but she and I were very similar in a lot of ways - similar senses of humor (often a bit crass), passionate, goofy, etc. One major difference was our level of confidence and stability. I am certainly by no means the most confident person (I am well aware of my faults) but her confidence seemed to revolved solely around her appearance and the attention she was getting from men. Which, in all honesty while I don't thrive off it, I completely understand - who doesn't like to look good and get attention? Anyone who says they don't is LYING.

I spent a lot of time helping her through a rough relationship that included mental and emotional abuse. I really cared about her and wanted things in her life to be good. I was willing to help her in nearly any way I could to make that happen.

Anyway, she crossed a line with our friendship in mid-fall. It definitely could have been a deal breaker. I was pretty upset about it and, as anyone who has the full details of the situation would tell you, I had every right to be. But she apologized and I bought it so we dove right back into the friendship where we had left off.

Next she "fell" for another friend of mine. Because I care deeply for both parties involved, I spent lots of time counseling her about how to handle the situation with him. (Chad would tell you that this is my first mistake - I often insert myself where/when I shouldn't. And perhaps he's right, but it's the way I operate nonetheless. I never force it, but when asked, I am happy to throw my two cents in.)

Right around the holidays, she got mad at Chad about something work related that he had absolutely no control over. At which point, she essentially stopped talking to me. I called her several times to see if she was OK and got literally one word answers to my questions. Then when we heard from several mutual friends that she was saying a lot of really negative and untrue things about Chad, I stopped calling/texting/messaging to check on her.

So here's the short version of the end of the friendship... she un-friended me from Facebook. Stupid, I know, that THAT is what would piss me off to the point of blogging about it, but that's how I feel. And she actually did it along time ago, it just took me this long to get over the initial anger. I mean, seriously. You are 42 years old and that's how you are going to deal with this? You can't call me and talk to me like an adult?

I realize I am better off without someone so draining in my life, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

After all this, I really felt compelled to take a look at my friendships and evaluate them. I believe that friendships should be mutually beneficial - you give and, when needed, you take. I am really trying now to only put effort into the friendships with the people who have put effort into the friendship with me. I'm at a point in my life when I don't have time or energy to waste. Plus I am surrounded by a lot of amazing people who are truly more like family than friends. THOSE are the people who deserve my time and energy, not some random people who are trying to suck the life out of me.

While I'm still sad/mad about the way things turned out with this friendship, I wouldn't change it if I could. It took this for me to see her true colors. And as I have always said... things happen for a reason.

The Family Ties that Bind

So, my family is crazy. Not in a bad way though (mostly). In a good, hilarious, keep-you-on-your-toes, thank-God-they're-around-to-keep-me-grounded kind of way.

We had a belated wake for my Grandpa Bill last weekend in Davenport, WA, on my aunt and uncle's farm. Grandpa grew up in Davenport and raised his family there, for the most part. He would have been 90 years old on March 15th of this year. He passed away May 23, 2005, at the ripe ol' age of 86. I wish he was still here. Have LOTS of questions for him... But I digress a bit (there will have to be a whole separate post about him later).

The man loved Black Russians, so I thought it would be fitting to bring the ingredients so we could properly toast him. At the liquor store I contemplated the size of the vodka and coffee liqueur bottles before settling on the medium size. In retrospect, should have gotten the large bottles (we polished off the medium ones).

We spent the day eating (everything from white chili to pizza to green olive dip to chocolate cake), drinking, looking at old family photos and playing Chinese Ping Pong - which I highly recommend if you have never played. We even called my new Uncle Pat (who also will get a blog post of his own) in Minnesota - my Aunt Joy, dad and Uncle Lenny got to talk to him for the very first time. Aunt Sherry has had a couple conversations with him already.

There was, of course, all kinds of silliness and harassment and revelry. And we all agreed that next time we'd have to do it on a Saturday and make it a slumber party. Whose house it will be at remains to be seen...

I almost always come away from family get-togethers on a high. Such gatherings are a great reminder of how much we all have in common and how much fun we have when we're together. Don't get me wrong - we have a lot of differences, and each of us in each generation have chosen quite different paths for our lives. But the fact remains - we are definitely family. We have similar senses of humor. We're all smart. We all have artistic streaks (some certainly have more talent than others), though we choose all different media to express those streaks. Most of us have a little OCD. We're fiercely loyal.

So out of that loyalty, I felt compelled to vocalize my unconditional love for my family. I have their backs and I know they have mine. It's nice to know that no matter what twists and turns my life takes, I will have them all there to support me in the end. Just as I will support each and every one of them, regardless of what path they choose and decisions they make.

To have a tight-knit (moderately crazy) family is definitely a gift from God.