The Art of Parenting

I'm of the mindset that parenting is an art form. It's a talent that not everyone develops. It's something that you get better at the longer you do it, as long as you learn from your mistakes. And good or bad, I think that you tend to emulate the role models you had as a child.

Parenting is the art of balancing dichotomies. You have to be everything to your child - the Disciplinarian, Nurturer, Friend, Coach, Listener, Lecturer, Motivator, Educator, Snuggler - all wrapped up into one parental ball.

Due to recent circumstance in my life, I've become increasingly aware of common traits and actions shared by good parents, as well as those shared by those I would classify as "non-parents." There are some very distinct differences between the two.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the fact that your egg or sperm became a baby DOES NOT make you a parent. You become a parent by working at it, learning from it and growing with your child(ren). And as far as I'm concerned, there are concrete lists of "Dos" and "Don'ts" that parents should follow in order to be most effective.

Good parents do...

• Set realistic rules and expectations for their kids
• Talk to their kids
• Kiss their kids' ouchies
• Praise their kids
• Help their kids with homework
• Read to their kids
• Talk to their kids' teachers, advisers and school counselors
• Cuddle their kids
• Make time for themselves
• Provide their kids with new experiences
• Allow their kids freedom to be themselves
• Punish their kids when necessary
• Make time for their significant other
• Trust their kids
• Notice as their kids mature
• Respect their kids
• Follow through on their promises
• Teach their kids to be responsible
• Financially support their kids (until they can start to support themselves)

Good parents DON'T....

• Ignore their kids
• Treat their kids like peers
• Deceive their kids (except when necessary to keep something a surprise!)
• Expose their kids to negativity
• Force their kids to grow up too fast
• Smother their kids
• Speak negatively about their kids
• Invade their kids' privacy
• Make promises to their kids they don't intend to keep
• Let their kids quit when the going gets tough
• Belittle their kids

My husband and I were both very lucky to have good parents. And we strive every day to be the good parents to our four kids that we know we can be. Does that mean we're always perfect? HELL no. But it does mean we try to live by the "Do" list at all times.

What things would you add to my lists of parental "Dos" or "Don'ts"?

My New Adventure

I am on my way on a new adventure - last Monday I started my new job at Northern Quest Resort & Casino.  They recently created a brand new position - Interactive Communications Strategist - that had my name written all over it.  The position is housed in the Hotel Sales & Marketing department on the resort side, but I will be working on website content and search engine optimization as well as social media strategies and execution for several entities including:

• Kalispel Tribe
• the Resort
• the Casino
• The Q Sports Bar
• Impluse nightclub
• Legends of Fire cigar bar
• Current Spa & Salon
• Masselow's (the fine dining restaurant at the resort)

Our temporary offices are located behind the new parking garage and the hotel in what's known as the "PR trailer."  There are 10 of us in the trailer, which is about the size of the portable classrooms we had a Colbert Elementary back in the '80s and early '90s.  In a few weeks, our offices will be moved into the hotel.  I haven't even seen the hotel yet!

It has been really hard to leave my family at the Spokane Regional CVB.  I wouldn't be the woman/mother/friend/marketer/social media fiend that I am if it weren't for the love and support I received from the bosses and co-workers there.

I am very excited about the opportunity my new job holds.  But I really have my work cut out for me. I am 100% ready to hit the ground running!

NYC Baby!

My fabulous hubby and I got to spend 5 days in NYC last week thanks to my work (Spokane Regional CVB) sending me to the E-Tourism Summit and thanks to our friends and family who helped care for the twins.

It was our first trip to the Big Apple and we had an absolute BLAST!

If you'd like to read about our trip, check out the blog I posted about it on our Hutson Family blog.

Why I am Voting YES on Referendum 71

I don't tend to get very politically involved. However, there are some things I feel VERY passionately about on the ballot this year and I feel compelled to share my thoughts.

Hopefully, you plan to vote no on Prop 4 (I posted my arguments against it a few weeks ago) and YES on Referendum 71.  By voting yes on Referendum 71, you are voting to uphold the bill expanding the domestic partnership rights that was already voted on, passed and signed into law by Governor Gregiore.

I feel that if two people love each other enough to spend their lives together, they should be afforded the same rights as married couples. People typically assume this will affect only same-sex couples, but I can think of several heterosexual couples who have chosen not to marry, and removing the expanded domestic partnership rights affects them too!

I absolutely feel that same-sex couples should be allowed to legally marry, but we're a ways off from that in the State of Washington.  I've already blogged extensively my arguments supporting same-sex marriage, so I won't rehash that here.  But I will reiterate the fact that life and love are hard for ALL couples.  Why should we intentionally make it harder for some people?

When the expansion of domestic partnership rights passed, I was extremely proud to live in this state.  I felt we had reached a new level of tolerance and understanding, and made a huge step toward equality.  If Referendum 71 does not pass, it will be a HUGE step backward for the State of Washington.

I have faith that Washington voters will do the right thing and support Referendum 71, We'll still be a step behind Massachusettes (where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2003), Connecticut (legal since 2008), Iowa (legal since April), Vermont (legal since Sept 1), Maine (legal since Sept 14) and New Hampshire (will become legal on January 1), but we'll be continuing to move in the right direction.

Your YES vote on Referendum 71 shows your commitment to tolerance, equality and progression. And it shows your commitment to Washington's families.

Vote for My Kids!

My hubby and I entered the twins in the Gap Casting Call! Please vote for my kids!

Please vote for Tyce here: http://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/entries/hutone11/

 
Please vote for Caliana here: http://family.go.com/gapcastingcall/entries/bethany_kate/  
 

You can vote for each photo once per day.  You do have to register in order to be able to vote, but it's completely free and you can delete your account as soon as the competition is over. (The contest is for Gap through Disney's Family.com.)

Thanks for your support!

Twitter Takes Me Places

It's official:  I'm heading to New York City to be a part of two social media panels at the E-Tourism Summit!  It's all thanks to the support I've received from the Spokane Regional CVB management team to make Twitter & Facebook work for our destination.

The Summit is October 13 & 14 at the Marriott New York Marquis right in the heart of Manhattan near Times Square.

I'm included in the list of speakers, complete with photo and speaker bio. Woo hoo! Fancy!

Chad and I have never been to NYC, so if everything works out as we hope it will he'll be coming with me.  He can investigate the city while I'm in session, then in the evenings we'll explore together.  And we're hoping to stay an extra day if we can make it work so we'll have a whole day together in the city.

Thank God for my parents' willingness to hang with the twins for 5 days & 4 nights. (Chad's parents will be out of town that week.)

We are so very excited! If you have any ideas as to where we should go/see/do/try, please let me know!

Do You have the Twin Gene? Um... no.

Have you ever asked a mother of multiples: "Do twins run in your family?"  Sure. I have too, before I actually had twins. When you really think about it, you're actually asking: "Did you use fertility treatments to get pregnant with twins?"

I don't get offended by that question - it takes a helluva lot more than that to offend me.  My mom, on the other hand, hates it when people ask her. She gets uncomfortable because she feels like it isn't anyone's business how we ended up with twins.  But I'm really pretty much an open book.  So in an effort to help others understand and maybe even help another woman feel like she's not alone in her plight to get pregnant, here's the kinda-short version of the story (I will spare you the gory details):

When I was in high school, I would have such horrible cramps and pain - it was completely debilitating. I would actually leave school and go to the office of my uncle, who was our family doctor for most of my life (blog to come about him later), to get a shot in my hip so the pain would subside enough so I could function normally.

By the time I was in my early 20s, my OB/GYN (Dr. Pam Silverstein at WomanHealth - she's AWESOME!) was convinced that I had endometriosis.  Other women in my family have had fertility issues, including endometriosis, so I wasn't too surprised that that was the prognosis.

By the time Chad and I were ready to start trying to have a baby, I had already had two surgeries to remove endometriosis and scar tissue. Thankfully, when we weren't having any immediate success, my doctor got very aggressive. She put me on Clomid, which is a fertility drug. After several months of increasing doses, we finally got pregnant.  It was really hard for me to believe because I never felt pregnant.  But we were so excited! After two blood tests confirmed it, we told everyone - family, friends, work.

Then after about two weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. I knew what was happening, but I tried to pretend like I was fine because I didn't want to face the fact that I was losing our baby.  When I walked into work the next morning, one of my co-workers and close friends, who had been through a similar experience, took one look at me and said, "Go to your doctor NOW."  Apparently, not only was I extremely pale, but the pain was written all over my face.

My doctor was out of town, but her partner Dr. Lewis Meline was wonderful.  By the end of the day, I was back home after surgery removing both our teeny tiny undeveloped baby and one of my fallopian tubes which had been severely damaged by the ectopic pregnancy.  It was the end of August 2006, and after all that, I felt like our chance to conceive had come and gone.  A month later we decided to give it one Clomid one more try with the dose they will prescribe.

I knew the moment I got pregnant, which was interesting to me since I really never felt anything the first time.  I kept it to myself till I had the home pregnancy test to show Chad.  We didn't tell anyone this time.  We had our first ultrasound at 5 weeks.  There was a strong possibility of another ectopic, so they wanted to rule that out right away.  Oddly, I wasn't worried.  I knew everything was fine.

The night before the ultrasound, I said to Chad: "What if it's twins?"  He laughed and told me I was crazy.  I had a strong feeling I wasn't that crazy.  Sure enough - I laughed out loud the next day when the ultrasound tech said, "Here's Baby A. And here's Baby B."  Chad almost fell over.

Apparently the Clomid had caused two eggs to be released either simultaneously or one shortly after the other.  It's entirely possible that the twins did not have the same conception date, but we'll never know for sure.  Twins with Clomid isn't all that uncommon, but the thought of having twins had never crossed our minds before.

Anyhoo... so to answer the question I set out to answer at the beginning of this rambling:

No, twins do not run in my family.  We had help in the form of prayers, God and Clomid.

Step-Parenthood

I'm a stepmom. I've been a stepmom officially for 5 years, and un-officially for 2 1/2 years before that. The girls were 6 and 7 years old when Chad and I started dating in 2001. They are 13 and 15 now, and both taller than I am.

I feel lucky to be able to help shape the women these girls will become. And I feel utterly blessed to have them help shape the woman and mother that I am. They are smart, beautiful, funny girls who, along with our twins, make my life complete. In all honesty, I was a little worried about how I would feel once the twins were born, but having the twins only solidified how I feel about the girls. I love them as if they are my own.

It can get interesting from time to time. I tend to forget that they aren't biologically mine, which results in frustration for all of us. Sometimes explaining homework can be tough because they don't think in the way I do because we come from different genes.

As for our co-parenting situation with Chad's ex-wife... we've been pretty lucky over the years. We definitely have a different parenting style (Chad and I parent very much the same way) than the girls' mom, which has lead to arguements and frustrations over the years on both sides. But we really try to always keep the girls' best interest in mind. And she has been fully supportive of me as a parent, always making sure to include me and making sure that I know how appreciative she is that I am a good parent to her daughters.

Anyhoo...

Point of all this really was to tell you about a wonderful woman I know (who shall remain nameless so as to not make her life more difficult) who is a FABULOUS mom to her husband's son. The boy's biological mom (aka the egg-donor) is a jealous pathological liar. In fact, the boy's father didn't even know she was pregnant until the doctor came out and said to him: "You have a beautiful son." She apparently didn't look pregnant & repeatedly lied about it.

My friend has been a loving, nurturing mom to her SON (I use the caps because that's what she calls him because that's what he is to her) since she started dating his father. She and her then-bf-now-hubby discipline him when necessary and are both wonderful parents to him. Together they are a perfect family unit. Which is how they were, until the egg-donor (she doesn't deserve more of a title than that) got jealous that they were going to get married. So she fought for custody and won. Ridiculous since she hasn't been the primary custodial parent since he was born.

Ever since the wedding, it's only gotten worse with her. And now that their are going to have a baby, I can only imagine what will happen. Their son is 6 (I think) now. And it is a constant battle between the egg-donor and the parents (and their lawyers). All my friend and her husband are trying to do is protect and parent their son, not take him away from the egg-donor.

In writing this, I'm reminded of another friend who shall not remain nameless - Alli Benjamin. She has been a mother to her son since he was a few months old. His biological mother (whom I will refer to as his "egg-donor") walked out on him and his father shortly after he was born. Her son is now almost 9. His egg-donor had not seen him since since he was two. Finally last summer, the court removed the egg-donor's parental rights and Alli immediately adopted the son who was already hers.
I just wish my other friends could have their egg-donor's parental rights removed.

Moral of my story is this:

• If you are a good step-parent, thank you and God bless you.
• If your child has a good step-parent, please be kind and fair to them, and know that they only want what's best for your kid/kids just like you do.

DELIVERING A BABY DOES NOT MAKE YOU A MOTHER.

Damn It! I Miss My Man.

Chad's gone. He's in Pittsburgh for NIOSH Leadership training for 6 days then he is visiting friends of ours who live in Philadelphia for 2 days.

Bums me out when he's gone.

It's partially because I wish I could be having those experiences with him. But it's mostly that I selfishly want him home with me.

I love coming home from work to him sitting at the island in the kitchen checking Facebook or the Seattle PI's photos of the day or the Chevy Camero site. I love sitting down to dinner with him and talking about the day over a glass of wine. I love snuggling with him in our big red chair to decompress while watching some reality TV (he humors me) or an episode of From the Earth to the Moon.

I love checking on the twins together before we go to bed. I love laughing at Conan O'Brien or David Letterman with him while we brush our teeth. I love cuddling up with him in bed before we go to sleep till he says "OK, get away, you're hot." (I just wait till he falls asleep and cuddle up to him again.)

I love the husband, father, best friend, lover, comedian, provider and personal heater that he is. So, yeah. It's totally selfish.

Don't get me wrong - I am excited and thankful for his job with the CDC and the training, opportunities and chances to travel that his job with the Federal Government provides. Wouldn't change those things for the world. But having him gone sure as hell makes me appreciate the man who has chosen to spend his life with me.

New Family Members... (it's not what you think!)

Last fall I wrote about my new Uncle Pat on our Hutson Family blog. (Synopsis: I got an email from Pat Lueck saying that he was pretty sure that my grandpa was his dad - sure enough!)

Well, he and his wife Ann and grandson Gabriel braved meeting the Washington Lucks last month. I blogged about it on our Hutson Family blog.

Pretty crazy stuff! But we're very excited to have all these new family members!

Information about Referendum 71

Just got this email this morning from Equal Rights Washington/Washington Families Standing Together. Thought I would share. It gives information about the domestic partnership laws as it stands now and information about Referendum 71. It's signed by some of the key supporters of the pledge to decline to sign the Referendum 71 petition.

OK... that MAY be the end of my rant about this for now.

The Family Ties that Bind

So, my family is crazy. Not in a bad way though (mostly). In a good, hilarious, keep-you-on-your-toes, thank-God-they're-around-to-keep-me-grounded kind of way.

We had a belated wake for my Grandpa Bill last weekend in Davenport, WA, on my aunt and uncle's farm. Grandpa grew up in Davenport and raised his family there, for the most part. He would have been 90 years old on March 15th of this year. He passed away May 23, 2005, at the ripe ol' age of 86. I wish he was still here. Have LOTS of questions for him... But I digress a bit (there will have to be a whole separate post about him later).

The man loved Black Russians, so I thought it would be fitting to bring the ingredients so we could properly toast him. At the liquor store I contemplated the size of the vodka and coffee liqueur bottles before settling on the medium size. In retrospect, should have gotten the large bottles (we polished off the medium ones).

We spent the day eating (everything from white chili to pizza to green olive dip to chocolate cake), drinking, looking at old family photos and playing Chinese Ping Pong - which I highly recommend if you have never played. We even called my new Uncle Pat (who also will get a blog post of his own) in Minnesota - my Aunt Joy, dad and Uncle Lenny got to talk to him for the very first time. Aunt Sherry has had a couple conversations with him already.

There was, of course, all kinds of silliness and harassment and revelry. And we all agreed that next time we'd have to do it on a Saturday and make it a slumber party. Whose house it will be at remains to be seen...

I almost always come away from family get-togethers on a high. Such gatherings are a great reminder of how much we all have in common and how much fun we have when we're together. Don't get me wrong - we have a lot of differences, and each of us in each generation have chosen quite different paths for our lives. But the fact remains - we are definitely family. We have similar senses of humor. We're all smart. We all have artistic streaks (some certainly have more talent than others), though we choose all different media to express those streaks. Most of us have a little OCD. We're fiercely loyal.

So out of that loyalty, I felt compelled to vocalize my unconditional love for my family. I have their backs and I know they have mine. It's nice to know that no matter what twists and turns my life takes, I will have them all there to support me in the end. Just as I will support each and every one of them, regardless of what path they choose and decisions they make.

To have a tight-knit (moderately crazy) family is definitely a gift from God.