The Art of Parenting

I'm of the mindset that parenting is an art form. It's a talent that not everyone develops. It's something that you get better at the longer you do it, as long as you learn from your mistakes. And good or bad, I think that you tend to emulate the role models you had as a child.

Parenting is the art of balancing dichotomies. You have to be everything to your child - the Disciplinarian, Nurturer, Friend, Coach, Listener, Lecturer, Motivator, Educator, Snuggler - all wrapped up into one parental ball.

Due to recent circumstance in my life, I've become increasingly aware of common traits and actions shared by good parents, as well as those shared by those I would classify as "non-parents." There are some very distinct differences between the two.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, the fact that your egg or sperm became a baby DOES NOT make you a parent. You become a parent by working at it, learning from it and growing with your child(ren). And as far as I'm concerned, there are concrete lists of "Dos" and "Don'ts" that parents should follow in order to be most effective.

Good parents do...

• Set realistic rules and expectations for their kids
• Talk to their kids
• Kiss their kids' ouchies
• Praise their kids
• Help their kids with homework
• Read to their kids
• Talk to their kids' teachers, advisers and school counselors
• Cuddle their kids
• Make time for themselves
• Provide their kids with new experiences
• Allow their kids freedom to be themselves
• Punish their kids when necessary
• Make time for their significant other
• Trust their kids
• Notice as their kids mature
• Respect their kids
• Follow through on their promises
• Teach their kids to be responsible
• Financially support their kids (until they can start to support themselves)

Good parents DON'T....

• Ignore their kids
• Treat their kids like peers
• Deceive their kids (except when necessary to keep something a surprise!)
• Expose their kids to negativity
• Force their kids to grow up too fast
• Smother their kids
• Speak negatively about their kids
• Invade their kids' privacy
• Make promises to their kids they don't intend to keep
• Let their kids quit when the going gets tough
• Belittle their kids

My husband and I were both very lucky to have good parents. And we strive every day to be the good parents to our four kids that we know we can be. Does that mean we're always perfect? HELL no. But it does mean we try to live by the "Do" list at all times.

What things would you add to my lists of parental "Dos" or "Don'ts"?

"Lost Generation" - An Incredibly Smart Video

This super smart video was created for the AARP U@50 video contest and placed second.  Thanks to Amber Masten for posting this on Facebook for us all to see!

Great Quote to Keep at Your Desk

My wonderful boss Jeanna emailed this out to our staff this morning after receiving it from a friend.  In light of some serious trials and stress I am facing, it seem especially profound to me today.

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

It's a slight variation of a quote from Mother Teresa. Every time I read it I feel a little better. 

Why I am Voting YES on Referendum 71

I don't tend to get very politically involved. However, there are some things I feel VERY passionately about on the ballot this year and I feel compelled to share my thoughts.

Hopefully, you plan to vote no on Prop 4 (I posted my arguments against it a few weeks ago) and YES on Referendum 71.  By voting yes on Referendum 71, you are voting to uphold the bill expanding the domestic partnership rights that was already voted on, passed and signed into law by Governor Gregiore.

I feel that if two people love each other enough to spend their lives together, they should be afforded the same rights as married couples. People typically assume this will affect only same-sex couples, but I can think of several heterosexual couples who have chosen not to marry, and removing the expanded domestic partnership rights affects them too!

I absolutely feel that same-sex couples should be allowed to legally marry, but we're a ways off from that in the State of Washington.  I've already blogged extensively my arguments supporting same-sex marriage, so I won't rehash that here.  But I will reiterate the fact that life and love are hard for ALL couples.  Why should we intentionally make it harder for some people?

When the expansion of domestic partnership rights passed, I was extremely proud to live in this state.  I felt we had reached a new level of tolerance and understanding, and made a huge step toward equality.  If Referendum 71 does not pass, it will be a HUGE step backward for the State of Washington.

I have faith that Washington voters will do the right thing and support Referendum 71, We'll still be a step behind Massachusettes (where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2003), Connecticut (legal since 2008), Iowa (legal since April), Vermont (legal since Sept 1), Maine (legal since Sept 14) and New Hampshire (will become legal on January 1), but we'll be continuing to move in the right direction.

Your YES vote on Referendum 71 shows your commitment to tolerance, equality and progression. And it shows your commitment to Washington's families.

I Will Not Forget

It's hard not to think back to where I was and what I was doing when I first heard about the attacks on our country on September 11, 2001.  I've heard it said many times that this event was my generation's JFK assassination.

I had just pulled in to the parking lot of Gold's Gym on the northside of Spokane where I was going to meet my best friend Tera for an early morning workout. I vividly remember us both sobbing on the elliptical machines as we watched the towers fall one after the other. (I will spare you all a recapping of the details, as I'm sure that you remember as well as I do what happened that day.)  From the gym, I headed downtown to work at Northwest Hair Co. where I was a receptionist.  We had the TV on all day and I continued my nearly uncontrollable crying.  I don't think I've ever cried more in a 24-hour period than I did that day. 

I lived alone in an area of town that is not-so-fondly referred to as Felony Flats so I never really associated with any of my neighbors.  But in the days that followed, I actually found myself spending time with some of them. One night that week there was a national moment of silence.  I remember sitting on the front porch of my apartment complex with my best friend and a couple of my neighbors eating pizza and reflecting on the events of the week and how it had impacted us.  We were all different ages and from different backgrounds and parts of the country.  We had four lit candles sitting in the center of our little circle - one for each of the targets in the attack; one for each of us.

I was only 21 years old and still in college on September 11, 2001.  I didn't know anyone who died in the attacks that day.  I didn't even know anyone who knew anyone who died.  But I was directly affected by the wars that came after the attacks.  Donnie, my best friend from high school, was a mechanic in the Air Force at the time and he was in one of the first deployments to Afghanistan.  He was gone for a year, leaving behind his wife and two-year-old daughter.  Barry, a man who is a close friend of mine and practically a brother to my husband, was sent to Iraq for a year instead of being able to retire after 20 years in the Army.  The stories of his experience there were horrible.

While my stepdaughters vaguely remember 9-11 (they were only 5 and 7 years old at the time), they remember their Uncle Barry spending time in Iraq.  I wonder how and when we will tell the twins about 9-11.  They really won't have anything to associate with it like the girls do.  But I want to make sure they have an appreciation for our country and the men and women who fight to protect us as soon as possible.

As I sit here writing this, I'm crying again. (I know. I can't help it!) My two-year-old son just walked up to me and touched my teary face and said, "It's OK, Mommy. It's OK." Then he gave me a big hug.  While I hope that someday the twins have some kind of an understanding of how we all felt that day and the same appreciate for our country and our troops that I feel, I pray to God that they never have an experience like 9-11 in their lifetimes.

The last thing I want to say is THANK YOU to all of the men and women of the armed services and their family and friends who support them.  My life and the lives of my children would not be the same without you.

Do You have the Twin Gene? Um... no.

Have you ever asked a mother of multiples: "Do twins run in your family?"  Sure. I have too, before I actually had twins. When you really think about it, you're actually asking: "Did you use fertility treatments to get pregnant with twins?"

I don't get offended by that question - it takes a helluva lot more than that to offend me.  My mom, on the other hand, hates it when people ask her. She gets uncomfortable because she feels like it isn't anyone's business how we ended up with twins.  But I'm really pretty much an open book.  So in an effort to help others understand and maybe even help another woman feel like she's not alone in her plight to get pregnant, here's the kinda-short version of the story (I will spare you the gory details):

When I was in high school, I would have such horrible cramps and pain - it was completely debilitating. I would actually leave school and go to the office of my uncle, who was our family doctor for most of my life (blog to come about him later), to get a shot in my hip so the pain would subside enough so I could function normally.

By the time I was in my early 20s, my OB/GYN (Dr. Pam Silverstein at WomanHealth - she's AWESOME!) was convinced that I had endometriosis.  Other women in my family have had fertility issues, including endometriosis, so I wasn't too surprised that that was the prognosis.

By the time Chad and I were ready to start trying to have a baby, I had already had two surgeries to remove endometriosis and scar tissue. Thankfully, when we weren't having any immediate success, my doctor got very aggressive. She put me on Clomid, which is a fertility drug. After several months of increasing doses, we finally got pregnant.  It was really hard for me to believe because I never felt pregnant.  But we were so excited! After two blood tests confirmed it, we told everyone - family, friends, work.

Then after about two weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. I knew what was happening, but I tried to pretend like I was fine because I didn't want to face the fact that I was losing our baby.  When I walked into work the next morning, one of my co-workers and close friends, who had been through a similar experience, took one look at me and said, "Go to your doctor NOW."  Apparently, not only was I extremely pale, but the pain was written all over my face.

My doctor was out of town, but her partner Dr. Lewis Meline was wonderful.  By the end of the day, I was back home after surgery removing both our teeny tiny undeveloped baby and one of my fallopian tubes which had been severely damaged by the ectopic pregnancy.  It was the end of August 2006, and after all that, I felt like our chance to conceive had come and gone.  A month later we decided to give it one Clomid one more try with the dose they will prescribe.

I knew the moment I got pregnant, which was interesting to me since I really never felt anything the first time.  I kept it to myself till I had the home pregnancy test to show Chad.  We didn't tell anyone this time.  We had our first ultrasound at 5 weeks.  There was a strong possibility of another ectopic, so they wanted to rule that out right away.  Oddly, I wasn't worried.  I knew everything was fine.

The night before the ultrasound, I said to Chad: "What if it's twins?"  He laughed and told me I was crazy.  I had a strong feeling I wasn't that crazy.  Sure enough - I laughed out loud the next day when the ultrasound tech said, "Here's Baby A. And here's Baby B."  Chad almost fell over.

Apparently the Clomid had caused two eggs to be released either simultaneously or one shortly after the other.  It's entirely possible that the twins did not have the same conception date, but we'll never know for sure.  Twins with Clomid isn't all that uncommon, but the thought of having twins had never crossed our minds before.

Anyhoo... so to answer the question I set out to answer at the beginning of this rambling:

No, twins do not run in my family.  We had help in the form of prayers, God and Clomid.

Mermaid or Whale?

I just received this email from my boss who had received it from her sister - it's WAY too good not to share.

Recently, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who's skin is all scaly and smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me... I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my grandkids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a latte with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am"!

Moral of the story: Enjoy your life and those around you rather than wasting time and energy focusing on fitting into a general perception of "perfection." AMEN!

Damn It! I Miss My Man.

Chad's gone. He's in Pittsburgh for NIOSH Leadership training for 6 days then he is visiting friends of ours who live in Philadelphia for 2 days.

Bums me out when he's gone.

It's partially because I wish I could be having those experiences with him. But it's mostly that I selfishly want him home with me.

I love coming home from work to him sitting at the island in the kitchen checking Facebook or the Seattle PI's photos of the day or the Chevy Camero site. I love sitting down to dinner with him and talking about the day over a glass of wine. I love snuggling with him in our big red chair to decompress while watching some reality TV (he humors me) or an episode of From the Earth to the Moon.

I love checking on the twins together before we go to bed. I love laughing at Conan O'Brien or David Letterman with him while we brush our teeth. I love cuddling up with him in bed before we go to sleep till he says "OK, get away, you're hot." (I just wait till he falls asleep and cuddle up to him again.)

I love the husband, father, best friend, lover, comedian, provider and personal heater that he is. So, yeah. It's totally selfish.

Don't get me wrong - I am excited and thankful for his job with the CDC and the training, opportunities and chances to travel that his job with the Federal Government provides. Wouldn't change those things for the world. But having him gone sure as hell makes me appreciate the man who has chosen to spend his life with me.

New Family Members... (it's not what you think!)

Last fall I wrote about my new Uncle Pat on our Hutson Family blog. (Synopsis: I got an email from Pat Lueck saying that he was pretty sure that my grandpa was his dad - sure enough!)

Well, he and his wife Ann and grandson Gabriel braved meeting the Washington Lucks last month. I blogged about it on our Hutson Family blog.

Pretty crazy stuff! But we're very excited to have all these new family members!

Follow up to same-sex marriage post...

After tweeting the link to the post "Really California? Are you kidding me?", a friend of mine @replied me and sent me the link to another blog post supporting same-sex marriage: I Am Married. It was written in 2004 by an award-winning author and blogger. He is a thirty-something straight man who is married with one child.

It's a great read! (Thanks for sharing, Aaron!)

Really California? Are you kidding me?

The title of this blog post really says it all.

I am shocked, offended, apaulled, disgusted, disappointed and ANGRY that the Supreme Court of California voted to uphold Proposition-8 this week. I mean, seriously. What the hell decade/century/millenium are we living in?

I whole-heartedly believe that marriage should be a LEGAL union between any two individuals who love each other enough to commit their lives to each other. Anyone who has ever been married will tell you that marriage is tough. But it's the most fabulous roller coaster you'll ever ride and I commend two people who are dedicated enough to each other to want hop on that roller coaster together.

LOVE IS LOVE. What difference does it make whether it's between a man and a woman or two men or two women? With all the horrible things in this world, I'm outraged that the Supreme Court of California has decided to continue to support something that takes away the happiness of marriage and equality from a few hundred thousand of the state's citizens.

It amazes me that states like Massachusettes (where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2003), Connecticut (legal since 2008), Iowa (legal since April), Vermont (becomes legal Sept 1) and Maine (becomes legal Sept 14) have embraced their gay populations while California, which is supposed to be a progressive state, has not.

I think at this point it has to be up to activists in California to petition to get a new bill/referendum/proposition on the ballot as soon as possible to legalize same-sex marriage. Since 6 of the 7 justices of the Supreme Court of California didn't have the cojones to overturn Prop-8, the voters are going to have to do it.

I'm proud that the State of Washington has passed a law to expand rights for domestic partnerships. But there is already a proposed ballot initiative to overturn the bill, which was signed into law by Governor Gregoire on May 18th, called Referendum 71 and immediately Equal Rights Washington starting urging citizens to Pledge to Decline to Sign Referendum 71 petition. I pledged earlier this week and I encourage everyone else who is registered to vote in Washington to sign it too.

While I am saddened and frustrated and angered by all this, I am still hopeful. I have faith that every state in the union will legalize same-sex marriage in my lifetime. And I am choosing to help the cause rather than ignore it or sit idly by.

Life and Death

Chad and I attended the memorial for a friend today. He passed away just before Christmas, but his family wanted to wait till spring for the memorial.

Andrew Gumprecht was a wonderful man. Only 33 years old, but he managed to touch the lives of many in his role as a bartender. He told amazing stories and charmed everyone who met him. He had a big smile and an infectious laugh. The memorial today made me wish I had known him better. His family and closest friends shed a bright light onto the person he was and, to be honest, I feel a bit cheated that he was taken from us before I got the chance to know him better.

His death has also made me consider my own mortality. Why do I waste time with things that make me unhappy? Why do so many of us do that every day? Why don't we tell the people we love that we love them every chance we get? Why do we hesitate to open ourselves up to the people we want to be close to? What the hell are we afraid of? Getting hurt, I suppose. But I contend that it would hurt more to lose the chance to get close to someone you care about than it would if you were to open up and have it not reciprocated. At least then you'd know you made the effort to open up your heart and you wouldn't regret the fact that your didn't take the risk.

I would imagine most people have read/heard The Dash. It's a poem that basically states that it's not about the day of your birth or the day of your death. It's about the dash that's in between. I want to make the most of my dash. I don't want to waste time with petty bullshit. I want to forgive and forget and move on. While I want to recognize and address my anger and sadness, I don't want to dwell on those emotions. I want to focus on my happiness. I want to surround myself with people I love who love me in return - people who love me for ME, not the person they want me to be or think I should be.

Of course, we're all painfully aware that we have no idea how much time we have on this earth. No big surprise there. But I hope to make the most of every day I have here. I want to make "Carpe Diem" my mantra again, as it once was. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... and all those other painful cliches that prove to be true time and time again. I refuse to let the opportunity to express my love and admiration for those around me pass me by.

So, if you already know I love you, you'd better get ready for lots of hugs and kisses and "I love yous." And if you don't already know I love you, you're going to find out very soon. : )

"Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"May you live all the days of your life." ~Jonathan Swift

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!" ~Bob Newhart

That's What You Call Friendship?

In the last few months, I've had some weird issues with "friends" and I've come to the conclusion that often friendships end because the two parties involved define friendship in different ways and those two different ways don't mesh. In other words, one believes in the give and take of friendship, and the other just wants to take.

Take, for instance, a "friendship" that peaked in the fall and winter of this past year. There was a woman who Chad had worked with at a past job. They'd become friends and she'd come to the occasional party over the past 4 years. Then during the summer she became more connected to us through work connections.

She and I really hit it off. She was closer to Chad's age than mine (no big surprise, because with the exception of a few recent additions to our friendship circle, our friends are typically closer to Chad's age) but she and I were very similar in a lot of ways - similar senses of humor (often a bit crass), passionate, goofy, etc. One major difference was our level of confidence and stability. I am certainly by no means the most confident person (I am well aware of my faults) but her confidence seemed to revolved solely around her appearance and the attention she was getting from men. Which, in all honesty while I don't thrive off it, I completely understand - who doesn't like to look good and get attention? Anyone who says they don't is LYING.

I spent a lot of time helping her through a rough relationship that included mental and emotional abuse. I really cared about her and wanted things in her life to be good. I was willing to help her in nearly any way I could to make that happen.

Anyway, she crossed a line with our friendship in mid-fall. It definitely could have been a deal breaker. I was pretty upset about it and, as anyone who has the full details of the situation would tell you, I had every right to be. But she apologized and I bought it so we dove right back into the friendship where we had left off.

Next she "fell" for another friend of mine. Because I care deeply for both parties involved, I spent lots of time counseling her about how to handle the situation with him. (Chad would tell you that this is my first mistake - I often insert myself where/when I shouldn't. And perhaps he's right, but it's the way I operate nonetheless. I never force it, but when asked, I am happy to throw my two cents in.)

Right around the holidays, she got mad at Chad about something work related that he had absolutely no control over. At which point, she essentially stopped talking to me. I called her several times to see if she was OK and got literally one word answers to my questions. Then when we heard from several mutual friends that she was saying a lot of really negative and untrue things about Chad, I stopped calling/texting/messaging to check on her.

So here's the short version of the end of the friendship... she un-friended me from Facebook. Stupid, I know, that THAT is what would piss me off to the point of blogging about it, but that's how I feel. And she actually did it along time ago, it just took me this long to get over the initial anger. I mean, seriously. You are 42 years old and that's how you are going to deal with this? You can't call me and talk to me like an adult?

I realize I am better off without someone so draining in my life, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

After all this, I really felt compelled to take a look at my friendships and evaluate them. I believe that friendships should be mutually beneficial - you give and, when needed, you take. I am really trying now to only put effort into the friendships with the people who have put effort into the friendship with me. I'm at a point in my life when I don't have time or energy to waste. Plus I am surrounded by a lot of amazing people who are truly more like family than friends. THOSE are the people who deserve my time and energy, not some random people who are trying to suck the life out of me.

While I'm still sad/mad about the way things turned out with this friendship, I wouldn't change it if I could. It took this for me to see her true colors. And as I have always said... things happen for a reason.